New Light

I reached a milestone this week.  I opened Mary's room.  The door has been locked since before I left the hospital in October.  Mom and Lee had been inside, but I had not.  I'd been thinking about it for a while and I suppose I was finally ready.  Once the door was open, it was if she was more a part of our family than ever--almost as if the closed door was keeping her out.  I love the light that comes in through her windows.  I love seeing her picture now placed on the nightstand.  I love that there is life now in her room.

An Angel Never Dies
Don't let them say, I wasn't born
... That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........

Author Unknown

My way

About a week and a half ago I completed a project I'd been working on for weeks. I guess "working on" is misleading. Dreading is more like it. I bought flowers and supplies, wire and styrofoam. I was all set to make an arrangement for Mary's grave. But after I brought the bags home from Michaels and Joann, I couldn't get started. I think I felt this overwhelming pressure to get it just right. After all, this is the only tangible representation of my love for her, right?? So i better not screw up. This is what "people" will see when they go by her marker and what will they think if her flowers look pitiful? Don't you know there are critics that publish long columns about the disgraceful, tacky arrangements left at local family cemeteries? I'm sure my Mamaw knew where they hid, or at the very least was convinced they were somewhere. What would she think about my pitiful attempt at the floral arts?

I finally worked up the nerve to get set up in my shop in the basement. My first attempt was an epic fail. I was so frustrated and embarrassed and sad, I almost scrapped the project all together. But after another week had gone by, I decided to try it again. As I sat working on it, I realized that I was not doing this for Mary. She is perfect, complete, and in the arms of Jesus. She is not worried about her flowers, I am. And I am worried about what others will think. Then I realized that this arrangement that sat in pieces in front of me was more than an art project. It was an act of love. It wasn't a measure of my love, but just a symbol of it. There is really nothing I can do for my baby girl now. I can't change her diapers, feed her, dress her in adorably ruffled clothes and hats, or take her strolling through the mall with me to window shop. This is all I know to do as her mommy. It's the only way I know of to give of myself to her. So I hope she knows I did it for her, purely out of love. I miss her so much.

With Hope

This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you, We had so many dreams

And now you've gone away and left us with 
the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say, and nothing we can do
Can take away the pain, the pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan

But through the cloud of tears 
I see the Father smile and say "well done"
And I imagine you where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home and now you're free, and ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

"With Hope"  --Steven Curtis Chapman

1/22/2012

You should be three months old today. A lot of things should be different. I should be changing your diapers, trying to make you laugh, scheduling your check up (and see if it looks like you're going to be little like your big sister). I should be rocking you to sleep and singing to you. I think about you a lot. In fact, I think about you all the time. I hope you know that somehow. I talk to you a lot, although I'm sure you don't hear me. I hope God allows you to know just how much you are loved, how much you are missed, how much you were wanted. I like to think He does. If you only knew what I would give to hold you again and how often I imagine you in my arms. Sometimes I catch myself rocking while I think about you, just as if you were here and I was singing you to sleep. I know in my head that God has a purpose for all of this and somehow your story is going to make an impact on this world. But it's so hard to remind my heart of that when it just keeps breaking over and over again. Right now I'm just selfish. I'm selfish and I want you here with me. I want it so badly i can hardly breathe. I love you. I miss you.

Warning

Now that the holidays are over, real life has begun.  I didn't think it was possible, but things have gotten harder for me.  I think the numbness has worn off and I'm forced to begin living my life without Mary.  All of the things I had pictured, all the things I had planned, gone.  I cry almost all the time now, even when I fight it with all my might.  I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm just being honest.  If you read this blog regularly, or as regularly as I post, I'm sorry.  Here is your warning:  expect honesty and sadness.  That's where I am right now, and I can't help it.  Read at your own risk.  I'll try not to wallow, but these days it's difficult not to.  Only the Lord holds the keys to my heart, my grief, my sadness, and my humanity.  He knows where I am and is the only one that can turn my ashes into something beautiful.

A New Reality

When I wrote my last post I fully expected to be next updating the blog with pictures of my new baby girl--pictures of us in the hospital room while I was in labor, the first family picture of the new 4 member Arledge family, coming home, Mary meeting Annabelle...the list goes on and on in my head. But it wasn't to be. Instead I'm posting pictures of her and writing this post from a new place. A new reality. Somewhere I've never been before and never planned on being. But here I am. As my mom says, we are in "new territory". I had just about given up on this blog, but I think I may rethink that. It feels good to talk about Mary, even if no one is really listening, or reading. She was here. She was beautiful. She is my daughter and I miss her.

Soooooooo, it's been a while...

Okay, okay....I know. I guess I seem to be a spurt blogger. I'll get all excited and put a bunch of info up at once, and then take a break. I guess I have an excuse this time--it's been 150 degrees in Atlanta and I am very pregnant. I haven't felt like doing very much, even if it only involves moving my fingers! Anyway, I thought I"d post a few pics to keep everyone updated on how Claire is growing and so you'll all stay interested in our happenings!! I promise, come this fall, there will be LOTS more to post and I'm sure I won't be able to stop myself! :)

Patiently holding her ticket until it's our turn to go in...

Dancing her little heart out at the Wiggles show!!

Silly girl waiting to go in to see "Winnie the Pooh"--her first time in a movie theater!! Of course she had to bring Tigger and Pooh to experience it with her :)

Mary's nursery in progress!

More nursery :) Lots of decorating in the works...

Here's where the princess will sleep! Of course we have lots more decorating to do...I'll upload pics of this wall with her vinyl monogram if we can ever decide on a middle name!!