With Hope

This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you, We had so many dreams

And now you've gone away and left us with 
the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say, and nothing we can do
Can take away the pain, the pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan

But through the cloud of tears 
I see the Father smile and say "well done"
And I imagine you where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home and now you're free, and ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

"With Hope"  --Steven Curtis Chapman

1/22/2012

You should be three months old today. A lot of things should be different. I should be changing your diapers, trying to make you laugh, scheduling your check up (and see if it looks like you're going to be little like your big sister). I should be rocking you to sleep and singing to you. I think about you a lot. In fact, I think about you all the time. I hope you know that somehow. I talk to you a lot, although I'm sure you don't hear me. I hope God allows you to know just how much you are loved, how much you are missed, how much you were wanted. I like to think He does. If you only knew what I would give to hold you again and how often I imagine you in my arms. Sometimes I catch myself rocking while I think about you, just as if you were here and I was singing you to sleep. I know in my head that God has a purpose for all of this and somehow your story is going to make an impact on this world. But it's so hard to remind my heart of that when it just keeps breaking over and over again. Right now I'm just selfish. I'm selfish and I want you here with me. I want it so badly i can hardly breathe. I love you. I miss you.

Warning

Now that the holidays are over, real life has begun.  I didn't think it was possible, but things have gotten harder for me.  I think the numbness has worn off and I'm forced to begin living my life without Mary.  All of the things I had pictured, all the things I had planned, gone.  I cry almost all the time now, even when I fight it with all my might.  I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm just being honest.  If you read this blog regularly, or as regularly as I post, I'm sorry.  Here is your warning:  expect honesty and sadness.  That's where I am right now, and I can't help it.  Read at your own risk.  I'll try not to wallow, but these days it's difficult not to.  Only the Lord holds the keys to my heart, my grief, my sadness, and my humanity.  He knows where I am and is the only one that can turn my ashes into something beautiful.