1/22/2012

You should be three months old today. A lot of things should be different. I should be changing your diapers, trying to make you laugh, scheduling your check up (and see if it looks like you're going to be little like your big sister). I should be rocking you to sleep and singing to you. I think about you a lot. In fact, I think about you all the time. I hope you know that somehow. I talk to you a lot, although I'm sure you don't hear me. I hope God allows you to know just how much you are loved, how much you are missed, how much you were wanted. I like to think He does. If you only knew what I would give to hold you again and how often I imagine you in my arms. Sometimes I catch myself rocking while I think about you, just as if you were here and I was singing you to sleep. I know in my head that God has a purpose for all of this and somehow your story is going to make an impact on this world. But it's so hard to remind my heart of that when it just keeps breaking over and over again. Right now I'm just selfish. I'm selfish and I want you here with me. I want it so badly i can hardly breathe. I love you. I miss you.

Warning

Now that the holidays are over, real life has begun.  I didn't think it was possible, but things have gotten harder for me.  I think the numbness has worn off and I'm forced to begin living my life without Mary.  All of the things I had pictured, all the things I had planned, gone.  I cry almost all the time now, even when I fight it with all my might.  I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm just being honest.  If you read this blog regularly, or as regularly as I post, I'm sorry.  Here is your warning:  expect honesty and sadness.  That's where I am right now, and I can't help it.  Read at your own risk.  I'll try not to wallow, but these days it's difficult not to.  Only the Lord holds the keys to my heart, my grief, my sadness, and my humanity.  He knows where I am and is the only one that can turn my ashes into something beautiful.

A New Reality

When I wrote my last post I fully expected to be next updating the blog with pictures of my new baby girl--pictures of us in the hospital room while I was in labor, the first family picture of the new 4 member Arledge family, coming home, Mary meeting Annabelle...the list goes on and on in my head. But it wasn't to be. Instead I'm posting pictures of her and writing this post from a new place. A new reality. Somewhere I've never been before and never planned on being. But here I am. As my mom says, we are in "new territory". I had just about given up on this blog, but I think I may rethink that. It feels good to talk about Mary, even if no one is really listening, or reading. She was here. She was beautiful. She is my daughter and I miss her.

Soooooooo, it's been a while...

Okay, okay....I know. I guess I seem to be a spurt blogger. I'll get all excited and put a bunch of info up at once, and then take a break. I guess I have an excuse this time--it's been 150 degrees in Atlanta and I am very pregnant. I haven't felt like doing very much, even if it only involves moving my fingers! Anyway, I thought I"d post a few pics to keep everyone updated on how Claire is growing and so you'll all stay interested in our happenings!! I promise, come this fall, there will be LOTS more to post and I'm sure I won't be able to stop myself! :)

Patiently holding her ticket until it's our turn to go in...

Dancing her little heart out at the Wiggles show!!

Silly girl waiting to go in to see "Winnie the Pooh"--her first time in a movie theater!! Of course she had to bring Tigger and Pooh to experience it with her :)

Mary's nursery in progress!

More nursery :) Lots of decorating in the works...

Here's where the princess will sleep! Of course we have lots more decorating to do...I'll upload pics of this wall with her vinyl monogram if we can ever decide on a middle name!!

IT'S OFFICIAL...

Lee is going to be outnumbered 3 to 1....we are having a

GIRL!

Easter!

Easter 2011!! Here's a glimpse into some of the fun we had during the week surrounding Easter. The pictures are not in chronological order--in fact, I believe they are exactly backwards!! But enjoy just the same :)
Daddy showing her how it's done

Look at her go! Boy, what a swing :)


Starting the big hunt in the front yard...

Off to a good start!

Getting a little help from Annabelle

Enjoying Donald--her favorite surprise from Ahni



Looking for what the Easter Bunny brought!! Where could it be??

WOW! Look what she found!

So excited!

She got lots of things to help her plant a garden!

Looking for eggs in the neighborhood with Daddy

Showing Mama what she found :)

Sweet girl!

Patiently awaiting the green light with Gracie for her preschool egg hunt!

Where are the rest of them??

Listening to the Easter story and waving her palm branch..."Hosanna, Hosanna!" "Jesus is Alive!"

Praying hands...I love to watch my baby love Jesus

PREPARE to be bombarded!!!

I've just uploaded a TON of pictures from the past month or so. I have lots of birthday, Easter, and everyday pictures to share...so beware: there are MANY, MANY pictures coming!!!

I'm going to start with Claire's last day of preschool for the year (which was today). They had "fun day" with a bounce house, games, and fun snacks. She enjoyed being with her friends and loving on her teachers. A special thank you goes to Ahni, for going and taking pictures in my place, since I have strep throat :(

Claire and Ms. Shannon

Claire LOVES Ms. Erica!


Picking rubber duckies for prizes!

Bean bag toss

Snowcone...yum! And even better when shared with a buddy :)

Popcorn!!

Patiently waiting her turn with her best buddy Gracie :)